


Four times the Doctor didn't cry and one time he did.

by Spannah339



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (1963), Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Gen, sad doctor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-30 11:06:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10875474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spannah339/pseuds/Spannah339
Summary: Title about says it. Four times the Doctor didn't cry and one time he did.





	Four times the Doctor didn't cry and one time he did.

**1.**

“One day, I shall come back. Yes, I shall come back. Until then, there must be no regrets, no tears, no anxieties. Just go forward in all your beliefs and prove to me I am not mistaken in mine.”

  The Doctor stepped closer to the console and pressed a button, still not thinking fully about what he was doing. He watched the centre pillar rise absently, trying not to think about what was happening outside.

  Susan, holding hands with that David boy, watching as the TARDIS vanished in front of her. His little Susan, his granddaughter who had been the only one mad enough to run with him.

  He moved to the chair and sat down on it, waving away Ian as he moved forward. Barbara grabbed Ian’s arm and dragged him out of the console room. The Doctor was grateful for that – he needed a moment to get his thoughts in order.

 He wasn’t entirely sure what had happened, when he had made the decision to leave Susan behind. He had seen her leaving David reluctantly, had known she wanted to stay, had known she could survive without him.

  Perhaps it was that thought that had made up his mind. Perhaps it was almost out of spite he had locked her out of the TARDIS. He didn’t want to let her go, but when he saw she didn’t need him he had left her.

  She was so young though – not even a hundred. But, the Doctor realised, she had grown up so much since they had left Gallifrey. She had become a young woman.

  He sighed, suddenly feeling lonely. He had left her. She would be happy – and if she wasn’t he would track down that David boy and make him pay for giving his granddaughter anything less than she deserved. But he had still left her.

  One day he would come back, he told himself as he stood and moved to the console. But not yet. Now he would continue doing what he always did, travelling the galaxy, trying to take Barbara and Ian home, and helping people.

 Even so, he felt like he had left a piece of his hearts behind that day.

 

**2.**

The party showed no signs of stopping as people continued to drink to the newly engaged couple. But the Doctor had had enough. He slipped out silently, hoping no one would miss him anytime soon. He needed some air.

Bessie was parked nearby, and he moved towards the yellow car, slipping into the familiar, worn seat. He began driving, not knowing where, but enjoying the silent night.

As he did, his thoughts drifted back to the small party he had just left.

  He knew it would happen at some point – Jo was young, she couldn’t keep handing him test tubes her whole life – but he had hoped it would be longer until she left. It had come as a shock, really, her saying she wanted to marry Cliff. He was a nice enough fellow, but marriage? It had all happened so quickly.

  He reasoned with himself, saying she would be fine – that this was what she needed. Some safety, a life that didn’t involve being chased by Daleks or Autons or the Master. A life that wasn’t full of things trying to kill her.

  Even so, he knew he would miss her so much. She was like a daughter to him – as close to him as Susan had been. Now she too had left him for a man.

  He sighed, very tempted just to leave in the TARDIS. It was fixed now, after that business with Omega. But he knew he wouldn’t – at least not yet. UNIT and the Brigadier still needed him. He would just have to find someone else to hand him his test tubes.

He continued driving, not knowing where he was going, just knowing where he was going away from.

 

**3.**

His little family had crumbled so fast the Doctor could barely register it. In barely two months he had lost three close friends.

   First, it had been Adric, dying in a brilliant flash. That was the beginning – nothing was quite the same after Adric was gone. But they had continued, they had kept travelling, kept helping – kept surviving.

   Then Nyssa left. If he was being honest with himself, the Doctor wasn’t surprised. Adric’s death had affected her a lot – though she didn’t show it. Tegan cried and shouted and sobbed, but Nyssa was quiet, bottling her emotions up inside her. The Doctor understood that – he did the same. She had left, and he had let her, knowing she needed to move on.

   Now Tegan had left, running out on him without even a proper goodbye. He hadn’t really expected that. Deep inside, he thought that they would continue together forever. Fate had brought them back together, so they should stay together, right?

  It seemed not.  
  
  He was very quiet after Tegan left, ignoring Turlough’s looks and answering his questions as simply as possible.

He was tired. His body, though young, was weary. For the first time since his first regeneration, he felt his age. Maybe it would be a good thing to die, to change his body, to start again. To forget.

  He knew he never could though.  Adric, Nyssa and Tegan would stay with him forever, cracks in his slowly breaking hearts.

 “Doctor, you’re becoming obsessed.”

  “Obsessed and depressed.” And ready to start again.

 

 

**4.**

What he saw on the screen shook him to the core. Peri couldn’t be dead – she couldn’t. Dear little Peri Brown, dead? Preposterous!

But the Matrix didn’t lie – how many times had he heard that today?  
   
   He was very grateful when the Inquisitor allowed him a break from the proceedings – he wasn’t sure if he could continue defending himself in his current state of mind – brilliant though his mind was.

 He couldn’t quite believe it. He had left Peri behind – yes, it hadn’t been his fault, but he had still left her – and she had been killed.

  Dear Peri, the first face this body saw. Dear Peri, whom he had died for. Dear Peri – dead.

  He sat in silence for the ten-minute break – ten minutes to come to terms with losing a friend, Time Lords were such idiotic fools.

  He was stunned, shocked into silence – which didn’t happen often.  
   
 But he had to go on. Otherwise, he would be killed, the rest of his lives stolen from him. He could mourn Peri later, now he had to focus on saving his life.

  It still hurt to lose her so suddenly.

 

**And one time he did**

“I lo ... I love you.”

   The words seared into his hearts, but he wasn’t surprised. He’d known a long time. He’d known since she had stepped out of the TARDIS, the whole of the vortex swirling inside of her. For him.

  “Quite right too,” he said, struggling to keep himself under control. Was that really the best he could think of? ‘Quite right too’. He sounded so arrogant. He needed to say more. He needed to tell her how he felt – how he had felt since… since that basement in Cardiff, the gelf swirling around them. A lifetime ago.

  “And I suppose…” He had come from the Time War raw and broken, his hearts shattered into millions of pieces. And she had fixed him, pieced his hearts back together. Made him whole again.

  “If it’s my last chance to say it…” And it was his last chance to say it. He had had a while to think about it, since Torchwood, as he searched for a place to break through the worlds. But he had tried not to. And now it sunk it. He was never going to see her again.  
  
  “Rose Tyler…” She was gone.

   The star outside died, and the image of Rose vanished. She was gone.

  _I love you_ The Doctor finished silently, staring at the place she had stood. A tear trickled down his cheek – he couldn’t remember the last time he had felt his tears on his face. It was almost freeing, a way to let his emotions out.

   Another tear followed – but this one wasn’t just for Rose. This one was for the people he had lost. The people who had left him. The people who had died.

  This one was for Susan, for Jamie and Zoe, for Jo, for Leela, for Adric, for Peri, for Ace, for Grace, for all the others he had let behind.  
   
  This one was for Gallifrey.

  And his hearts, so carefully fixed and healed by Rose, shattered again. **  
**


End file.
